More Humor

** 031 Question: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico? Answer: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

** 032 A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

** 033 Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of shit that if they had an enema they could be buried in a shoe box!

** 034 Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like fucking white women." The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great." Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The German looked at him and said, "Good for you." The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then said, "I like fucking white women." The Polack sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either."

** 035 A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

** 036 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common."

** 037 A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine her mouth. Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case of Zacklies I've ever seen!" "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?" "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"

** 038 A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she wasn't having any part of him... especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?" Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you under a cabbage leaf!"

** 039 Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this dog that had bent itself into a weird position and was licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I wish I could do that." The other man replied, "I think you better get to be friends first."

** 040 After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

** 041 Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an amputee. "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?" The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

** 042 Did you hear about the new daredevil, Ku Klux Knievel? He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller!

** 043 This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."

** 044 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

** 045 One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

** 046 Three men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi - were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income). The priest was the first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us." The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us." The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this suggestion: "What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours."

** 047 Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try. After a long while one Polack said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!"

** 048 During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop. The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

** 049 A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

** 050 Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard they were. So she picked up a gigantic bro and went went with him up to his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect crank was only two inches long. "Who," she demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?" Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!"

** 051 The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.

** 052 Question: How do you kill an Aggie? Answer: Sneak up on him while he's getting a drink of water, then slam the toilet seat on his head.

** 053 At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns. One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there." His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there." Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell! There aren't any Catholics there!"

** 054 One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."

** 055 There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman, so two of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They bought an inflatable love doll and put it into his bed. Then called him at work and told him the girl of his dreams was home in bed and ready for anything. The next day his friends asked him how things had gone. "Very strange," he replied. "I slipped out of my clothes and got in beside her. She was cold, so I tried to warm her up. Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few times and flew out the window!"

** 056 A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen." The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired. The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over. "Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours."

** 057 Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one. Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded the second. "Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well." This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."

** 058 An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

** 059 Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman. "But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened to your other ear?" The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."

** 060 A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up." "Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers." In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy. "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!" "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."

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